I dreamt of daddy last night. He looked well.
The whole family went out for dinner.
It’s good to see him again. It’s been several months since my last dream of him.
He did not talk much, but that is how he has always been.
Quiet, hardworking, wanting to provide the best for the family, always awkward to show his love being the traditional Chinese man, yet I just know he always have much much more to offer beneath that reserved self.
He doted on us. Ecstatic when I passed my PSLEs and GCE with flying colours and was amongst the top10% national level, like I am fulfilling something that he did not get a chance to when young. The 1st time I won an essay writing competition in primary 3, I gave him my prize, a parker pen, which he treasured so much he never used it until the ink has gone all dry.
He drove me to school every time I overslept, and I oversleep everyday at one stage so he can drive me. He will get up no matter how tired, and I was too young and insensible to take into consideration he works 15-hour days 24-7, except during Chinese new year. Still, he always obliged.
I took him out on a stroll during his last days around the garden of the hospice he was in. We met a few strangers along the way, and he will tell each of them, eyes filled with pride, “this is my daughter”. I will never forget the look on his face, and how it filled my heart with both tears of joy and sadness that day.
He passed shortly after, 2 months shy of my 21st. I was on the way home after an overnight watch as mum and bro had arrived to take over. When I received the call, I can’t remember how long I froze for, nor did I remember how I made it back to the hospital.
I did not cry, as much as I wanted to, even made some relatives angry at my “indifference”. Then, right till the 5th day, the moment we had to turn our backs so that his coffin is being lifted to the crematorium, it finally hit me that he is gone for real. Like something being unleashed inside me, I poured my heart out till it’s hollow.
Daddy, I am still sorry that I was not there with you when you drew your final breath. I am still angry at myself sometimes for missing such an important moment, or not taking in the cue that maybe you did not want me to go, with your big bright eyes just starring at me that morning when I said I am going home. Sometimes I ask why me? Wrote you letters about it…but now I try to tell myself it is your love for me that did not bear to want me watch you go…
Please come visit me often pappy…pappy - that is what I used to call him. I wish to share my dreams with you in my dreams, and know that you are doing okay from time to time, and give you lots of cuddles.
The whole family went out for dinner.
It’s good to see him again. It’s been several months since my last dream of him.
He did not talk much, but that is how he has always been.
Quiet, hardworking, wanting to provide the best for the family, always awkward to show his love being the traditional Chinese man, yet I just know he always have much much more to offer beneath that reserved self.
He doted on us. Ecstatic when I passed my PSLEs and GCE with flying colours and was amongst the top10% national level, like I am fulfilling something that he did not get a chance to when young. The 1st time I won an essay writing competition in primary 3, I gave him my prize, a parker pen, which he treasured so much he never used it until the ink has gone all dry.
He drove me to school every time I overslept, and I oversleep everyday at one stage so he can drive me. He will get up no matter how tired, and I was too young and insensible to take into consideration he works 15-hour days 24-7, except during Chinese new year. Still, he always obliged.
I took him out on a stroll during his last days around the garden of the hospice he was in. We met a few strangers along the way, and he will tell each of them, eyes filled with pride, “this is my daughter”. I will never forget the look on his face, and how it filled my heart with both tears of joy and sadness that day.
He passed shortly after, 2 months shy of my 21st. I was on the way home after an overnight watch as mum and bro had arrived to take over. When I received the call, I can’t remember how long I froze for, nor did I remember how I made it back to the hospital.
I did not cry, as much as I wanted to, even made some relatives angry at my “indifference”. Then, right till the 5th day, the moment we had to turn our backs so that his coffin is being lifted to the crematorium, it finally hit me that he is gone for real. Like something being unleashed inside me, I poured my heart out till it’s hollow.
Daddy, I am still sorry that I was not there with you when you drew your final breath. I am still angry at myself sometimes for missing such an important moment, or not taking in the cue that maybe you did not want me to go, with your big bright eyes just starring at me that morning when I said I am going home. Sometimes I ask why me? Wrote you letters about it…but now I try to tell myself it is your love for me that did not bear to want me watch you go…
Please come visit me often pappy…pappy - that is what I used to call him. I wish to share my dreams with you in my dreams, and know that you are doing okay from time to time, and give you lots of cuddles.
4 comments:
Sharon, such a lovely note. it is very touching. It must be hard on you. Don't worry, your dad is telling you he is alright and missing you. Take care.
Michelle
Dear Sha
I don know why but tears filled my eyes when i read this...i do still remember ur dad...us helping out @ his stall and longbang a ride to school when me and liyun also running late...though he is gone...he is still in our hearts.=)
thank u gals for sharing the memories :) it means a lot to me.
Gal, hopefully time can ease the pain a little and you can look back at the memories with a smile rather than remembering the pain.
Life is a process of which we must accept our fate and destiny whichever way it goes.
I usu don't like to think about life and death bcos I can't imagine what's thereafter. Sometimes, I even think religion can help ease the fear of the unknown and take away the pain, so I always admired those who have a faith. However, I guess this is part and parcel of life which we must accept and rationalise. I just hope that you are not hurting anymore and can move on in life.
wenwei
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