Questions

A friend who is recently under lots of undue stress at work began questioning if all this is worth it – it being what she really wanted in life…and the chase or rat race that I think we are all in whether you like it or not…can somehow still feel the pressure directly or indirectly no matter how much I rebel against the race. Get the car, house, get married, have kids, grow old and die…there is always a next level waiting immediately after attaining one goal…a chain reaction…but does all these sometimes blind chase really give you the happiness that you wanted or think you wanted?(that is also one of her questions this friend began doubting in the process)
Can one really have it all? There must be some kind of compromise somewhere in the series of choices you make depending on what is important to you. That is why the saying you can’t have the cake and eat it too exists.

I refuse to actively participate in this mad chase and “life-progression” standards set in this age of living. It contributes a lot to making you feel empty inside. The rest of the world seems to be with you in the race yet you feel alone.

As you will expect I fare poorly in this race that I did not sign up for if I have a choice to begin with.
I have not accomplished much in life compared to most of my peers…I don’t even have my car license yet for goodness sake! My savings are non-existent unless you take into account all the little bits of junk and non-junk that I have exchanged my cash for. My biggest purchases in life so far is my laptop, a watch for mum, a pair of diamond earrings and my insurance premiums.
My love life is also non-existent and hopeless but hopefully won’t stay that way, yet who I am to decide that even if it is ironically MY love life?
My current career choice is not one of longevity and stability with limited shelf life and a short ladder. It is also keeping me far from loved ones.
So, where am I heading? What do I improve? I am still lost after all these while. Is that irresponsible of me to do that to self? Sometimes I am made to feel that this current state of mind should not be.
Some well-meaning friends and strangers will ask me what do I plan to do next or I should stop “playing” and start thinking of real things. But, what is real? Am I not real? I think I am as real as it gets.
I understand their well intentions but I always feel my throat tightening up, feeling a bit nervous, a bit embarrassed and my mind turning blank whenever I get asked what I want to do next.
Does that mean I really have no clue about what I want in life?
Does that render me a failure in life?
Others nag that I do not maximize my potential to achieve the best for my life thus wasting my talents. What do I have to say about that? Maybe they are right?

I DO believe in living life to the fullest. Maybe my definition of that is a tad wayward…I see that as stuff that makes you happy and satisfied from inside out.
Taking time to savor and appreciate fresh clean air filling your lungs…concentrating in the taste and smell of every chew of your food and feel that nourishing your body as you swallow…a smile from a loved one, even a little kid…little things in life…a lot of these are free but priceless and I think you don’t have to be in a race to get it.
Am I disillusioned? Or confusing what makes living life full and what consoles this hard life? Maybe I am losing the point!!

The more questions I ask the more I go giddy with overcrowded thoughts and no real conclusion or solution.
Do you have any answers for me?

Anyway, I told this friend she needed a well-deserved break to clear the mind and clutter for better directions. But sometimes even a break does not help clear much really from own experience.
Still, it’s worth a try and I give her my blessings.

Reserve

Reserve is starting after my SIN trip.
04th June is a dreaded date this year.
Tis the season of training - training anticipation and un-anticipation…expect the unexpected…unexpect the expected…think too much and you may have to plead temporary insanity.

For those of you not familiar with my context of reserve, this is a full month of obligation to my airline company which happens every seventh month. This is when I get a blank roster and is at constant beck and call for the company. An act of loyalty that I must perform(Hah! Like I have a choice).

Anyhow, I will be making do with change of duty(the better and more fortunate scenario usually with a day’s notice), or standby duty which is the real downer of reserve.
Standbys usually range 4-12 hours of hell. If it’s a home standby, its perpetually any one of the 6 combinations anytime of the day for 12 hours where you are supposed to stay by your phone dutifully and keep the line free. If you get called, you have maximum of an hour to shower, dress, put your face on, pack and go to whichever part of the world they send you to.
Pretty exciting on very good and positive days only.

Whilst you are awake, you face this constant dilemma: you want the phone to ring to end your waiting in suspense misery; you don’t want the phone to ring hoping to tiptoe past the standby without getting called out.
You become restless at some stage and start getting addicted to calling(with your mobile phone just in case) to check for changes every half an hour.
You get upset when friends pulled a prank on you pretending to be from crew control, laugh, and hurry to hang up so not to hog the line.
When you think you are safe from getting called and starts to cook, the phone will almost certainly ring. This I know has been tried and tested several times and I only have murphys’ law to explain that.
Such paranoia, such tension, this is mental torture. Kind of glad its not frequent enough to drive me to develop premature high-blood pressure.

Whilst you are asleep, you sometimes literally jump when the phone rings. Sometimes you can’t sleep even if you are dog-tired because you are sub-consciously expecting to be woken up or too afraid you will miss the call and thus result in unnecessary yet certain penalties.

I know of other airlines who give you 3 to 4 hours’ notice for standbys. Its more humane and reasonable minus a lot of pressure. You are more relaxed and thus better prepared and rested for the flight. So I wonder why can’t my company do the same for us. Even 2 hours’ notice to start off is good enough for a change. Sometimes they only give you 40 minutes to get ready and for a girl it’s a big ask especially when they expect you to be well-groomed for the flight pertaining to uniform standards.

No negotiations. No saying no. Chances are the flight you got pulled out for is also in your top 10 dread-list.

See, this is a system set up by the company to replace crew who called sick for their flights. The thing is, 90% of them aren’t sick-sick. I for one have been guilty of using my sick days for notorious trips(Bombay or Jeddah anyone?) when the mind is struggling to will self to do the right thing and lost the battle to excuses and prejudice from past experiences.
Some other crew I knew are just allergic to London or Australia or Africa (minus the real physical reactions of course) due to various reasons from the understandable “I don’t want to be away from my family/hubby/new baby for these long trips” to the senseless “I can’t eat anything there”. Sometimes its just “I just don’t like the country/people from that country” or “Its boring and there is nothing to do there”.
There are also the flight-related reasons. Some flights are naturally busier as well as harder to deal with than others due to timings and passenger profiles respectively.
Then there are the social reasons for calling sick like not wanting to miss out on a concert or this great DJ playing this weekend…boyfriend’s birthday, wedding anniversary and so on. Sometimes it’s the spotting of a bitchy or anal senior in your crew list, so bitchy and anal enough to motivate calling sick for the flight.

So much being said, I do believe in karma.
So sometimes I will still go for that Johanesburg trip albeit with much reluctance in the hope of having a better reserve month when it comes inevitably.
Also, to be fair, someone has to do the shitty flights and it can’t always be someone else right?

I also have to say I have had reserve when they turn out better than my top bid roster miraculously, and other times it flipped to the other extreme as expected.

Hope emirates keep expanding until we only have to do this once a year, along with other dreaded yearly events like paying your taxes, meeting your dentist…oh, and SEP recurrent training.
Maybe I am gone by then.

PS: This reminds me of a great entry about standby written by fellow blogger-mate chris, and the bit she related standby toward life that I can’t agree more! Check her out at www.wanderchris.blogspot.com.

Friends

This turned out to be more difficult to write than I thought for a few reasons that I don't need to have to elaborate. Just know that my intention is really counting own blessings.

We should all know that it is important and “filling” to have real and good friends.
I have 2 in particular in dubai whom I want to mention first. This is because the 3 of us all hail from very different cultures and grew up in very different environments. Yet we seemed to embrace all our differences with ease and created a strong and unique bond.
When I was in trouble a while ago…they really went all the way for me…called me everyday from overseas just to check on me even if not talking much…picking me up at 6am in the morning when I told them not to come anyway and taking me for a nice breakfast…made known that I am not alone in their subtle ways and the assuring touch from time to time…
It is my fortune to have them.
We had a good time the other day having early dinner and tea after…we do that whenever we can. Time flies when you are enjoying the company.
My minou and pinou…I will always love you!

Then there is my equally important Singapore gang.
Sze, thanks for offering to go for beach holiday with me as much as you hate the sun and need to drip yourself with sun-block every 2 hours. Thanks for just growing with me my bestest friend.
Ww,ly,wh – I know we don’t get to meet often but our foundation is still rock solid and I know we are there for one another in one way or another.
Mich and lian – my 2 jie-jie that I never had till we met. You always take care of me and look after my interest.
Chris and sri for putting up with me in more ways than the rest. Most say friendship risks damage when you live together. My only hope is whatever changes (negative or positive) we will survive through and emerge ok. In a way I could not have lived better without you here in dubai.
Lyndy, you know my soft spot for you.

To all my other friends, please do not take any offence or underestimate the impact you have in my life. We may come and go from time to time, but I appreciate the moments that we managed to share and things that we learned from each other. I can only look forward to our next opportunity to hook up with great anticipation, and also gratitude.

To my fair-weathered and no strings attached friends, I thank you for the fun and happy times. I am content that this is as far as we can go for now.

I am a firm believer that everyone enters your life for a reason, good or bad – you still learn something.
Some are there for the long run, some stay with you till the end, and some only a short time.
But there are all there for a purpose – teach you life lessons, help you through a crisis, a passer-by at a certain stage of your life etc.

My mahjong kakis, shopping kakis, eating kakis, bumming around kakis, crying buddies, party and drinking (regardless how lousy I am in the drinking department) buddies, talking/bitchin/msn-ing buddies – all of you are involved in one or more of the above-mentioned groupies.

I know I can always count on you and I hope to be the same for u and more.
I am blessed to have (or had) you in my life.

We all need good friends to survive (more so in dubai-la-la-land).
In fact, we all need friends, period! (I know lah…as if u don’t know already right)

way back into love

This is reflecting quite a bit of present me, thus I shall include it here:

I've been living with a shadow overhead

I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed

I've been lonely for so long

Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away

Just in case I ever need em again someday

I've been setting aside time

To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love

I can't make it through without a way back into love

Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine

I've been searching but I just don't see the signs

I know that it's out there

There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light

Not just somebody just to get me throught the night

I could use some direction

And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love

I can't make it through without a way back into love

And if I open my heart again

I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I don't know if it's real

Or if anybody feels the way I feel

I need inspiration Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love

I can't make it through without a way back into love

And if I open my heart to you

I'm hoping you'll show me what to do

And if you help me to start again

You know that I'll be there for you in the end

Scatter scatter

Scattering thoughts scattering my scatter-brain…got so much to process, to write, yet so scattered they are..
This is reflecting current brain processing:
Can’t sleep anymore even with new indulgent ‘caress’ pillow.
Dread going for flight later even if its short doha. All the drama of getting ready and all seemed especially ‘effort-ful’ today..
Keep thinking about the song ‘way back into love’ from movie music and lyrics that I finally caught yesterday. Liked the lyrics, let it touch my heart..will find them online later to post it on here.
Went through all the errands I need to do tomorrow since it’s the last day before weekend. Got them on my calendar on mobile…can’t live without that most simple and fuss free PDA. Means I cannot stay up too late. But I will be back at around 2.30am from flight anyway…who knows how I will feel then? Must try to go bed early, but want to watch this Chinese movie. Also hope to catch some sun tomorrow and meet minou and pinou(I miss them!)…lots to do! Feel a bit overwhelmed thus the idea of just spending time with self is also appealing…but I only have tomorrow, then its perth next morning. Mind is reeling a bit now. My brain is inefficient and lazy to think and fickle at the moment.
Glanced at the clock, its time to get ready for work so I shall put this possibly torturous and mindless reading to a halt.
Hope to get some brain power back after nice shower..
Later...
I assure this sort of entry is only occasional, but yet perhaps in a way necessary.
Oh watever...

Itch

Was recently reacquainted with the word ‘itch’ courtesy of sand flies. They are the real menace in my latest(perhaps bias) opinion compared to mosquitoes just coz they can’t give you deadly diseases they make sure they do a good job in itching you to challenge your threshold limits to the nines.
As I counted my latest 29 invasions on my feet(they only like my feet ankle-downwards), someone was kind to offer me tiger balm to enlighten my itchiness which was slowly taking over my mind one particular morning after consecutive visits to the beach for a few days, making me look and feel like a hairless feet-obsessed monkey scratching as if on adrenaline rush... the funny thing is, the more I scratch, the itchier I felt despite the pleasurable temporary relief I got at the same time and thus feeling more propelled to scratch more for both itch and relief. Scratching can feel like an addiction when motivated by itchiness as I have come to learn – again.
And its true: you get to a point where you realize from this vicious cycle that the reason you feel itchy is from the scratching itself! Yet part of me felt helpless while summoning my evasive perseverance to tackle on this itchy matter.
Where are my horns when I needed them so…
Need to get my one-track-mind onto the right side…

Mind over matter…an advice I was given to manage my fervent itch. I can if I focused hard and willed my fingers to stay away from those alluring little red bumps until I get distracted by something else. Its also ok if you have something else to focus on like a horror movie, playing scrabble, reading, even sun-baking. But when you are trying to sleep, or go back to sleep, or the moments between doing stuff when your mind is idling just for a split second, the itch gets bitchy.

I am capable of writing this now without itchy distractions thanks to the relief of tiger balm.
I felt sorry for lamenting that its not as good as I remembered (and how its such an established name even Caucasians believed in them so the quality is not like before-such twisted logic when you can’t think straight whilst still under invasion from itch monster) after I first applied the distinctively-scented ointment onto my feet. I guessed I was impatient and expected immediate soothing effects. It is the south-east asian miracle balm after all.
The first waves of the itchiness ebbing hit after about 15 minutes (maybe 10 actually coz time crawls when you are inpatient). Now almost 90 minutes later I feel its still going strong. The bonus is the bumps seem to be shrinking a little too! So happy coz if there is anything I remembered from my previous sand fly attack a while ago, its that these bites takes a longer time to heal than others.
Must trust the good old tiger balm. I shall keep it close and apply before bedtime, or anytime the healing bumps tries to tempt me to scratch…
Still love the beach, but sans sand flies.
Just bring a repellent to be safe.

Name change

I have recently changed my Chinese name to xilun.
Have not done it legally and officially coz just got it but close friends have been circulated with the news.
My original name is xuelun.
I liked my old name, a lot.
But I was told by this fengshui master that I must change my name…something about the total strokes happens to be one of the 4 numbers that are of the greatest taboo for females according to ancient records(but if you are a male they are the best numbers to have), and I have two of the numbers in my original name.

I have always been apprehensive and have my doubts about these name-changing stuff. Its just a name, and its given to you. Why change it unless u have committed some heinous crimes and need to change identity, with which you will start by changing your name?! Or you are this condemned criminal who is suddenly given a new lease of life to start over after aiding the special government secret service…watched too many movies!
I also know a few friends who have changed names usually for a better life and luck. I gave them my blessings, despite not fully comprehending or convinced about the effects of it. Its more like a psychological thingy, and the fact that at least you have tried to do something about it when u found out your name is ill-boding to some things..

The point is, I succumbed to the name change after some pondering. For better or for worse, at least I know that my name is not a cause if I jinx a loved one in future…
Call it playing safe.
Call it acting for own benefit and more importantly for those I love and will love.
Call it a risk I do not want to take as silly as name-changing may sound to some of you.

I am already missing my original name, although its origin is really just a funny story: I may be Chinese and also not Christian, but it is Sharon that my big uncle first decided to be my name…thus the only name is my birth certificate is Sharon Lim with no dialect names like Lim Ah Lian etc. Now this you must know its pretty unusual in Singapore at least. I grew up answering the same questions(“name?” – “Sharon Lim” – “full name!?” – “that IS my full name, just Sharon Lim”). Add to the fact that while most of my Chinese friends logically have a Chinese name first then find a Christian name to match, I was given a Christian name first then finding Chinese characters to match the pronunciation of Sharon, thus the birth of xuelun.
My big uncle is pretty unorthodox in name-choosing. As it turns out my younger brother and both his daughters’ Chinese names are also derived from having a Christian name first. Then I figured someone in the family decided to stop it and the rest of my cousins’ names are more traditionally chosen.
Imagine my chagrin when I was asked by the feng shui master(her expression as if why would someone give me this wretched name) who and why and what is the significance or meaning of my name…so I told her of our little weird family naming tradition which happened to the first 4 grandchildren of the family.
And unlike most of my friends, my Chinese name has no meaning when put together too(xue meaning snow, lun meaning ethics/philosophies). I remembered when I was in primary school and was told by my teacher to write an essay about the meaning of my name, I have to make everything up - the first time in my life that I pondered so hard seeking meaning for the name I never thought of questioning.

Still trying to get used to new name but it’s kind of growing on me…I always like the word xi – which means hope in mandarin.
About the lun…u should know it’s a very endearing word close to my heart.

I wish…

To hear mummy’s voice...know she is happy whenever I call or whenever I am in sin...to feel her loving pats on my cheek, back, hands...and to lock arms with her.

To indulge in a good book from cover to cover with no interruptions…and derive complete satisfaction from the accomplishment.

To lie on a beach somewhere and not give a damn about time…
To forget
To let go
To refresh and recharge
To embrace all that is life.

There is always a good lesson to be learnt even from the worst of the worst.

I am calling mummy…to wish her well.

Sleepiness…

I just woke from a 16-hour crash. Its been a while since I have done that, even after a Singapore-Brisbane trip which is typically more tiring for me since sin is home.

The other day I arrived into Brisbane from Singapore feeling rather washed out. It was an overnight flight.

The night before I chatted with mum in the hotel room(she usually comes to stay over with me when I have a trip to sin) till 3.30am in the morning and was woken at 9.30am(as usual!! No allowance though she slept less than me) to have our temple visit cum breakfast ritual before she heads off to her fruit stall and I to run own errands and meet friends…until its time to report for flight in the evening.

Felt ok during the flight. Already planned to crash in Brisbane anyway since we have 5 days there with an Auckland shuttle in between. But by the time I have gone through customs and walking the long walk to the crew bus, the accumulating fatigue decided to hit at last the moment we were out of most of the general public’s eyes. I was so tired my eyes desperately took turns to close like I was holding a perpetual wink. If I knew the route by heart, I would have both my eyes closed! I don’t even want to imagine how shagged I must have looked(already had a customs officer comment on that earlier though I was still smiling and also without my “wink”).

I may be in an airline uniform and hat that is supposed to represent glam and all. But then and there I really can’t be bothered too much anymore as there is hardly anyone else around that seemingly vast carpark. I was using my last ounce of strength and consciousness focusing on getting on the bus for the 20 min ride to the hotel, during which I will switch off to recover just enough to drag my ass to check in, shower and crawl into bed until hunger wakes me...

I vaguely remembered the bit before I shut down where the friendly bus driver told all of us how sunny and nice the next 5 days would be, before commencing the usual hospitality speech he tirelessly gave during the journey to the hotel(he is the only driver I know in all of the destinations we fly to who does that with great consistency. The others just drive). And while its 8am in that beautiful morning where the city is bustling with life, I felt too dead to be inspired go out and bask in the glorious sun and take in huge breaths of fresh air to nourish my lungs.

I'm glad the forecast is still bright and sunny for the next day.

Air miles

Sounds like a frequent flyer program. For a lot of dubaians its actually a shopping rewards scheme. I got my little blue card by default when I first signed for a credit card with my bank – a constant participant of the program – a little more than 5 years ago.
No fees or strings attached, points never expire, and you can claim a variety of products to suit all age/sex/budget whenever you want, delivered to you for free right to your doorstep! Why not huh?!

Quarterly statements sent to you loyally and always attached with the latest catalogue to tickle your wants. A chart on the side to help you track how far off you are to the next desirable claim they have to offer…fuelling self shopaholic ego knowing its free to claim if you have the points…

Then came the unexpected discovery of the atrocity of the amount of points in my name.
A dear friend cum flatmate who has been in dubai for about the same time as I am(but strictly she arrived 2 weeks earlier) has recently made a contented decision to quit and return to Singapore for good. While we were chatting just the other day she mentioned about making her 1st claim. This inevitably led to the discussion about how many points we each have, which subsequently led to 2 shrieks in harmony – I had 100,000 points more than her!!!

You will know that in short that easily translates to 200,000Dh more in expenditure over that last 5 years(you get 1 mile with every 2dh you spend). And since I am never obsessive about collecting these points and thus never and can’t make the effort to remember all the participating retailers/restaurants/services(apart from the odd occasion of spotting the air miles sticker and having my little blue card with me simultaneously), 99% of my earned miles hails from my credit card expenditure! WHOA!!

Now comes the scariest bit of my awakening: this is just reflecting my dubai credit card spendings! I have not taken into consideration my Singapore credit card bills and all the rest of daily cash-and-carry stuff ….how the hell do I do it????

Shocking realization! A personal feat that I have unknowingly excelled and conquered with such triumph!! I always know I have a bachelors’ degree if not MBA for spendthrift-ness…I guess what I did not know is I am actually a PHD or more!

Mummy is right that I am a rich lass(rich enough at least)…originally…I just spend all my money and my savings is an embarrassment to justify my earnings.
While I wonder sometimes where my money disappeared to considering I am still a single female with no car or house loans yet to support, there it is…staring back at me in a form of a huge piles of points I have earned, only to expense it again on claiming another something.
YEP! Cash-thriftiness has never been my forte, and I have recently incurred a little credit card debt I am determined to clear as I really never liked the feeling of owing others money.
You would think I should know earlier…

Still.
Not lamenting about any loss(there is no loss really).
Not bragging about how much I can spend(this I know there are always bigger spenders out there, I am just a small fry to many, but significant enough to myself now to feel a knock in my little head with the air miles shock discovery...I later asked another close friend’s “mileage” and I am 80,000 in excess of hers).
I am not turning tight-ass overnight, and also can’t. It is somehow part of my characteristic and innate make-up that I can’t really change.

The only thing left to change is my attitude!